Post by Shredded Red on Jan 8, 2008 19:47:46 GMT -5
I write this "year in preview" article every year for my blog, and local papers but never thought to post it here until now. Instead of just summing up the past year in pointless history I've looked into my spaghetti pot of marinara wonder and this is the totally true and pointless future that the world is in store for in 2008....month by month, bigger longer and uncut.
JANUARY
-1- The US economy takes a one day dip do to a collective national hangover
-4- George Bush shows up late to first congress session of 2007 claiming he was with Bill Clinton and "some bipartisan hoes" celebrating the 10th anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
-15- Another season of American Idol premiers and somehow makes everyone in America an expert on what is, and what isn't "pitchy."
-18- George Bush interupts Grey's Anatomy to give his last state of the union address. He announces that he has single handedly solved the nations housing crisis, but his approval ratings still fall all the way to 0 and the entire country is left wondering who slept with who and why it matters.
-28 – To recognize the 1 year anniversary of Saddam Hussein's execution FOX NEWS reports that the war in Iraq is going "better than ever" despite record violence and then focuses on wall to wall coverage of the 10 year anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
-30- Hilary Clinton responds by claiming that "the moral majority are a bunch of perv's" and that "they wish they could get ass like us liberals."
FEBRUARY
-6 – New England and Dallas face off in the super bowl of the century. Carrie Underwood sings the national anthem and Jessica Simpson performs at halftime. Tony Romo doesn't even bother to show up, he stays home to watch the commercials. New England wins 78-3.
-7 - MTV starts a Valentines week promo titled "waiting until you're married is for losers! It's do your Valentine week on TRL!"
-8- The nation mourns the year anniversary of the loss of respect, intelligence and integrity we all suffered due to the media coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death. The father of Anna Nicole's child mourns by wiping her baby's butt with $100 dollar bills for the day.
-14 – As a Valentine's surprise Brad Pitt surprises Angelina by getting her a brand new impoverished child who's actual name is Brangelina Clickityclick. Not to be outdone....Tom Cruise buys Katie Holmes a spaceship and announces that their child Suri is the alien messiah that in the year 1057 will take all of humanity to Pluto.
-27 – In a startling turn of events the New England Patriots are stripped of their Superbowl win after the league discovers that Bill Bellichek was feeding his players a magically delicious cocktail of pure uranium and Lucky Charms on gamedays.
-28- The very next day Brady and Romo are suspended indefinitely after the media finds out they placed a wager on the game in which the winning quarterback got to keep Jessica Simpson. When asked about the wager Brady's only response was "it was soooo worth it."
MARCH
-2 - Children all over the world make strange pictures with lambs and lions to celebrate the beginning of March.
-8- Ba-jingo's, Who-ha's, and saggy sling-slangers make being a pervert the "green" thing to be as a naked bike ride takes place in California to raise environmental awareness. Unfortunately during the event a major earthquake occurs and the weight from all of the perverts and naked protesters causes California to fall into the ocean creating the largest environmental disaster ever.
-12 – Not to be outdone by her sister, Brittany Spears announces she is pregnant with Micheal Jackson's child. The fetus becomes the first child ever to be removed from parental custody while still in the womb.
-25- The Olympic torch is lit in Athen's Greece. On the first day of the torch's journey an onlooker is severely burned when celebrity torch bearer "Steve O" farts into the flame.
-26 - Millions of teenage girls announce that they're pregnant. MTV launches "Brand Spankin -It's not our fault week" on TRL.
-29 – Heavy Rains and Spurratic flooding throughout the country makes Global Warming a major news story. Kids of the world prove everyone wrong by reminding us "March goes out like a Lion...remember!"
APRIL
-9 – India launches its first space mission to the moon. The mission's objective is "just to make sure the moon isn't made of cheese." The "made in India" plastic imprint on the side of the rocket booster doesn't exactly inspire international confidence either.
-15 – The Secretary of Defense makes major news when he says "what we need in Iraq is a Chili's. Baby back rib platters could resolve this whole war thing." Bush defends him by saying "A man who knows his barbecue ribs is alright with me. I could go for a baked potato myself right about now."
-18 – Testing reveals dangerous levels of lead in lead pencils, prompting parents to send their children to school with ink pens. After an outbreak of ink poisoning UPS develops an air tight, liquid resistant bubble wrap child bubble for parents to put their children in when they are out in the world. Everything was going well....until the suffocations started happening.
-20- Disney announces that Pluto is no longer a Disney character. Stating that Goofy and Pluto are both dogs, but Goofy wears clothes and talks, which causes a scientific conflict between Mickey and the rest of the gang.
-23 - Baseball season begins. Drug stocks raise the stock market to a quarterly high. In related news, during his grand jury testimony Barry Bonds becomes so enraged about being accused of perjury he begins to glow bright green on the stand.
MAY
-2 - A horse named "Elmer Sglew" wins the Kentucky Derby. The winning jockey says his secret was saying "Get-E-Up Horsey!" As it turns out he is stripped of his win for inhaling helium before the race which not only made him lighter but also made him talk like a member of the Lollipop guild....which is frightening to horses.
-19 – Al Gore starts a new Global Warming campaign called "Don't use ice! Save a Penguin."
-22- Indiana Jones 4 is released to millions of people commenting on how old Harrison Ford looks, which isn't lost on Harrison Ford as evident by the 25 times Indiana Jones humorously utters the phrase "I'm getting too old for this" during the film.
-25 - The US spacecraft "Phoenix" is scheduled to land on Mars. Upon it's success the US space program releases this statement "Ha! Anyone can go to the moon to find cheese. We're onto bigger and better things we're looking for Martian robots on Mars."
-31 - Americans celebrates Memorial Day by buying flags made in Indonesia and patriotic barbecue supplies distributed to Wal-Mart from Mexico, while paying a dollar more a gallon in gas thanks to the Saudi oil tycoons to fill their SUV's imported from Asia. But gosh darn it, if it ain't American made beer we ain't drinkin it!
JUNE
-4 – On the campaign trail Barrack Obama is hampered because his last name is "Obama." On the republican side Mike Huckabee continues to gain ground because his last name is "Huckabee." Stephen Colbert is still more popular than both of them because he makes fun of their last names.
-7 - Gas Prices soar to $4.50 a gallon causing millions of people to complain on their way to work everyday. (I've used this same line for the past two years. Last year it said $3.50, the year before it said $2.00)
-14- Eminem admits on 60 minutes that he's not the real slim shady. He is stripped of his awards, and ridculed as a "soft rapper." He changes his name to Ju-Ju-Bee to toughen up his image, and releases a heavy metal album titled "Stuck in your tooth."
-17- Wildfires rage out of control on the southern borders of Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona trapping millions of Mexicans in Mexico. George Bush calls the event "a victory for Global Warming."
-30- At a Hannah Montana concert in Iowa a local man is arrested after buying every ticket in the arena and showing up alone to the concert with a six pack of wine coolers and a box of condoms. When interviewed on "To Catch a Predator" the man claimed "I didn't know she was only 14 I thought she was the naked one from High School Musical." When informed that she is also a minor he simply blames society.
JULY
-2 - Violence mars the opening of the first Wal-Mart in Bagdhad as local insurgent women battle for bargain price cuts.
-3 – The Canadian government foils a terror plot that involves smuggling children onto planes with explosive i-Pods in their diapers. In response to this the FAA requires all baby's to be checked for bombs, and announces people can no longer carry electronic devices on planes.
-4- 300 planes make emergency landings as crying babies are mistaken as potential terrorists. Nobody really thought the babies were terrorists, but without i-pods to drown out the screaming, passengers would do anything to shut them up.
-10- The first ever Harry Potter convention is held in Dallas Texas. Trekkies celebrate because they are no longer the biggest dorks on this planet.
-18 - A heatwave causes people to carry on about "Global Warming." Once again they are foiled by the children who remind them....it gets hot in the summer.
-20 – Halfway to it's destination in Beijing the Olympic torch has emitted enough toxic fumes into the environment to cause protests. As a result the flame is passed into a new battery operated environmentally friendly torch for the rest of it's journey.
-27- Iran and North Korea drop nuclear bombs on each other causing chaos and confusion around the world. George Bush addresses the nation stating "the axis of evil are bombing each other in an attempt to give themselves super powers through radiation like Spiderman, and the Hulk....and this is a threat to our freedom."
AUGUST
-2- A Barrack Obama sex tape is leaked to the media. A day later a Hilary Clinton sex tape is leaked to the media. Poll's show a 100% increase in voter support for Obama, while Hillary Clinton plummets out of the election. Political analysts are stumped until they realize Obama's tape depicts him having sex with his wife, while Hillary Clinton's tape is of her having sex with Bill Clinton.
-5 – Scientists reveal that yawning is contagious in chimpanzee's causing millions of people to fear a yawning pandemic that could spread to humans through the sheer boredom of watching the Republican National Convention.
-8 – During the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games as the torch is ceremoniously being carried into the stadium the 100 year old flame goes out because someone forgot to charge the batteries in the environmentally friendly torch. The event is sponsored by Energizer.
-10- Martha Stewart shows up on The View wearing a Louis Vuitton turban claiming it's the newest homemaker fashion accessory. It keeps the dust out of your hair, the hair out of your food, all while being conscientious to Muslim sensibilities.
-29 – Micheal Jackson celebrates turning 50 years old by releasing a children's album called "Beat it again." Unfortunately his tour is cancelled after he accidentally rips his own crotch off during rehearsal causing him to fall over and break a hip....ironically the only part of his body not already made of plastic.
SEPTEMBER
-10 - Leaves Begin to fall from the trees causing people to claim it's because of global warming....and they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky kids.
-11 - The US commemorates the seventh anniversary of 9-11 by selling sterling silver coins on television....again.
-19- National talk like a Pirate Day causes millions of obnoxious people to walk around saying "arrr" until they're sued by Disney for copyright infringement on the phrase "arrrr."
-26- In the first televised Presidential debate millions of Americans sit glued to their television sets....until the debate comes on. The event ranks as the lowest ranked television broadcast of the night coming in underneath the only other program airing on any channel in America....a repeat of "Tila Tiquila's shot at love" on MTV.
-30- Nielson ratings speculates the low ratings for the Presidential debate may be due to a renewed interest in reading, but as it turns out the mortgage crisis has made it difficult for people to get television reception from the tent villages in city alley's.
OCTOBER
-4 – President Bush announces the last list of objectives he will accomplish while still in office. Item 1: Go on vacation at Camp David. Item 2: Beat wife at Foosball. Item 3: Leave "to do list" for next sucker.
-9- Millions of teenage males suddenly report symptoms of blindness causing a national health crisis. In unrelated news Paris Hilton drops to the second most popular internet search.
-10 - Hillary Clinton announces she will enter her name as an independent on the Presidential ballot. Amidst laughter her announcement is overshadowed by Bill Clinton's nomination for President of Oktoberfest.
-21 – Starbucks opens it's one millionth store while simultaneously selling it's one billionth cup of coffee. However the public ceremony is cut short due to 500 angry people shouting "shut up you're holding up the line!"
-30- John Stewart and Stephen Colbert publicly cry on their shows as they realize the greatest joke of their careers is just about finished. "Heh heh heh"
-31- President Bush accomplishes Item 1 on his list of objectives, but reports the rest of the list a failure and continues working hard on item 1.
NOVEMBER
-3- Political analysts are excited when lines begin forming around the block the day before election day....before they realize the lines are for Hannah Montana tickets.
-4- Voter turn out at the polls is weak due to confusion over which lines are for the election, Hannah Montana, pre-sale for the new iPhone, and in one city a short line of geeks camping out for tickets to the new Star Trek movie.
-4- Several old ladies in Nevada become irate at the polls insisting that they had won the jackpot on "that American keno machine in the closet."
-4- Before announcing a winner CBS news checks with a Magic 8 ball to make sure their projections are correct. Response "Ask again later" prompts a dilemma because that's what happened in 2000.
-4- Barrack Obama is elected President of the United States. He is assassinated during his acceptance speech and because I just wrote that I become the first suspect. Ha! Just kidding, he doesn't even get elected. Some boring white guy does.
-4- blah, blah, blah....election.
-23- Kids of the world make construction paper pilgrim hats at school in celebration of Thanksgiving
-26- Amazon.com and Wonder bread merge companies to create the worlds first ever environmentally healthy way to shop. Amazon abandons styrofome packaging and packages their products with fresh bags of bread instead giving customers the added bonus of having a sandwich as they enjoy their new purchase.
DECEMBER
-1- President Bush attends the second annual Kyoto conference: Kyoto 2- The Hybrid Bash. In an attempt to appease the international environmental community Bush proposes that every American be given a Chia pet to place in their window to help "grow cleaner air."
-7- In his first official television interview since the election our new boring old white President declares "I'm pretty sure I'll do better than Bush."
-11 - The dow hits a 40% high with a 20% un-employment rate, and an all-time low 1% interest rate. Even really really smart people are confused. Dumb people just change the channel.
-20- Apple releases the new Telekinetic iPhone that can clone small animals and cook a pop tart without pushing a button. It costs $800, but it comes with a rebate for a free Chiwawa (everyone gets the same one). The phone has a few glitches, but as long as you don't think about birds and pop tarts at the same time you won't end up with a parakeet flavored pop tart.
-30 – News channels dedicate entire sections of newscasts to year in reviews....that are completely different than this one.
-31- As the new year approaches the ball in New York gets stuck with 3 seconds to go. When last checked people were still drinking and chanting 3...3....3...3...3!
Happy New Year!
JANUARY
-1- The US economy takes a one day dip do to a collective national hangover
-4- George Bush shows up late to first congress session of 2007 claiming he was with Bill Clinton and "some bipartisan hoes" celebrating the 10th anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
-15- Another season of American Idol premiers and somehow makes everyone in America an expert on what is, and what isn't "pitchy."
-18- George Bush interupts Grey's Anatomy to give his last state of the union address. He announces that he has single handedly solved the nations housing crisis, but his approval ratings still fall all the way to 0 and the entire country is left wondering who slept with who and why it matters.
-28 – To recognize the 1 year anniversary of Saddam Hussein's execution FOX NEWS reports that the war in Iraq is going "better than ever" despite record violence and then focuses on wall to wall coverage of the 10 year anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
-30- Hilary Clinton responds by claiming that "the moral majority are a bunch of perv's" and that "they wish they could get ass like us liberals."
FEBRUARY
-6 – New England and Dallas face off in the super bowl of the century. Carrie Underwood sings the national anthem and Jessica Simpson performs at halftime. Tony Romo doesn't even bother to show up, he stays home to watch the commercials. New England wins 78-3.
-7 - MTV starts a Valentines week promo titled "waiting until you're married is for losers! It's do your Valentine week on TRL!"
-8- The nation mourns the year anniversary of the loss of respect, intelligence and integrity we all suffered due to the media coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death. The father of Anna Nicole's child mourns by wiping her baby's butt with $100 dollar bills for the day.
-14 – As a Valentine's surprise Brad Pitt surprises Angelina by getting her a brand new impoverished child who's actual name is Brangelina Clickityclick. Not to be outdone....Tom Cruise buys Katie Holmes a spaceship and announces that their child Suri is the alien messiah that in the year 1057 will take all of humanity to Pluto.
-27 – In a startling turn of events the New England Patriots are stripped of their Superbowl win after the league discovers that Bill Bellichek was feeding his players a magically delicious cocktail of pure uranium and Lucky Charms on gamedays.
-28- The very next day Brady and Romo are suspended indefinitely after the media finds out they placed a wager on the game in which the winning quarterback got to keep Jessica Simpson. When asked about the wager Brady's only response was "it was soooo worth it."
MARCH
-2 - Children all over the world make strange pictures with lambs and lions to celebrate the beginning of March.
-8- Ba-jingo's, Who-ha's, and saggy sling-slangers make being a pervert the "green" thing to be as a naked bike ride takes place in California to raise environmental awareness. Unfortunately during the event a major earthquake occurs and the weight from all of the perverts and naked protesters causes California to fall into the ocean creating the largest environmental disaster ever.
-12 – Not to be outdone by her sister, Brittany Spears announces she is pregnant with Micheal Jackson's child. The fetus becomes the first child ever to be removed from parental custody while still in the womb.
-25- The Olympic torch is lit in Athen's Greece. On the first day of the torch's journey an onlooker is severely burned when celebrity torch bearer "Steve O" farts into the flame.
-26 - Millions of teenage girls announce that they're pregnant. MTV launches "Brand Spankin -It's not our fault week" on TRL.
-29 – Heavy Rains and Spurratic flooding throughout the country makes Global Warming a major news story. Kids of the world prove everyone wrong by reminding us "March goes out like a Lion...remember!"
APRIL
-9 – India launches its first space mission to the moon. The mission's objective is "just to make sure the moon isn't made of cheese." The "made in India" plastic imprint on the side of the rocket booster doesn't exactly inspire international confidence either.
-15 – The Secretary of Defense makes major news when he says "what we need in Iraq is a Chili's. Baby back rib platters could resolve this whole war thing." Bush defends him by saying "A man who knows his barbecue ribs is alright with me. I could go for a baked potato myself right about now."
-18 – Testing reveals dangerous levels of lead in lead pencils, prompting parents to send their children to school with ink pens. After an outbreak of ink poisoning UPS develops an air tight, liquid resistant bubble wrap child bubble for parents to put their children in when they are out in the world. Everything was going well....until the suffocations started happening.
-20- Disney announces that Pluto is no longer a Disney character. Stating that Goofy and Pluto are both dogs, but Goofy wears clothes and talks, which causes a scientific conflict between Mickey and the rest of the gang.
-23 - Baseball season begins. Drug stocks raise the stock market to a quarterly high. In related news, during his grand jury testimony Barry Bonds becomes so enraged about being accused of perjury he begins to glow bright green on the stand.
MAY
-2 - A horse named "Elmer Sglew" wins the Kentucky Derby. The winning jockey says his secret was saying "Get-E-Up Horsey!" As it turns out he is stripped of his win for inhaling helium before the race which not only made him lighter but also made him talk like a member of the Lollipop guild....which is frightening to horses.
-19 – Al Gore starts a new Global Warming campaign called "Don't use ice! Save a Penguin."
-22- Indiana Jones 4 is released to millions of people commenting on how old Harrison Ford looks, which isn't lost on Harrison Ford as evident by the 25 times Indiana Jones humorously utters the phrase "I'm getting too old for this" during the film.
-25 - The US spacecraft "Phoenix" is scheduled to land on Mars. Upon it's success the US space program releases this statement "Ha! Anyone can go to the moon to find cheese. We're onto bigger and better things we're looking for Martian robots on Mars."
-31 - Americans celebrates Memorial Day by buying flags made in Indonesia and patriotic barbecue supplies distributed to Wal-Mart from Mexico, while paying a dollar more a gallon in gas thanks to the Saudi oil tycoons to fill their SUV's imported from Asia. But gosh darn it, if it ain't American made beer we ain't drinkin it!
JUNE
-4 – On the campaign trail Barrack Obama is hampered because his last name is "Obama." On the republican side Mike Huckabee continues to gain ground because his last name is "Huckabee." Stephen Colbert is still more popular than both of them because he makes fun of their last names.
-7 - Gas Prices soar to $4.50 a gallon causing millions of people to complain on their way to work everyday. (I've used this same line for the past two years. Last year it said $3.50, the year before it said $2.00)
-14- Eminem admits on 60 minutes that he's not the real slim shady. He is stripped of his awards, and ridculed as a "soft rapper." He changes his name to Ju-Ju-Bee to toughen up his image, and releases a heavy metal album titled "Stuck in your tooth."
-17- Wildfires rage out of control on the southern borders of Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona trapping millions of Mexicans in Mexico. George Bush calls the event "a victory for Global Warming."
-30- At a Hannah Montana concert in Iowa a local man is arrested after buying every ticket in the arena and showing up alone to the concert with a six pack of wine coolers and a box of condoms. When interviewed on "To Catch a Predator" the man claimed "I didn't know she was only 14 I thought she was the naked one from High School Musical." When informed that she is also a minor he simply blames society.
JULY
-2 - Violence mars the opening of the first Wal-Mart in Bagdhad as local insurgent women battle for bargain price cuts.
-3 – The Canadian government foils a terror plot that involves smuggling children onto planes with explosive i-Pods in their diapers. In response to this the FAA requires all baby's to be checked for bombs, and announces people can no longer carry electronic devices on planes.
-4- 300 planes make emergency landings as crying babies are mistaken as potential terrorists. Nobody really thought the babies were terrorists, but without i-pods to drown out the screaming, passengers would do anything to shut them up.
-10- The first ever Harry Potter convention is held in Dallas Texas. Trekkies celebrate because they are no longer the biggest dorks on this planet.
-18 - A heatwave causes people to carry on about "Global Warming." Once again they are foiled by the children who remind them....it gets hot in the summer.
-20 – Halfway to it's destination in Beijing the Olympic torch has emitted enough toxic fumes into the environment to cause protests. As a result the flame is passed into a new battery operated environmentally friendly torch for the rest of it's journey.
-27- Iran and North Korea drop nuclear bombs on each other causing chaos and confusion around the world. George Bush addresses the nation stating "the axis of evil are bombing each other in an attempt to give themselves super powers through radiation like Spiderman, and the Hulk....and this is a threat to our freedom."
AUGUST
-2- A Barrack Obama sex tape is leaked to the media. A day later a Hilary Clinton sex tape is leaked to the media. Poll's show a 100% increase in voter support for Obama, while Hillary Clinton plummets out of the election. Political analysts are stumped until they realize Obama's tape depicts him having sex with his wife, while Hillary Clinton's tape is of her having sex with Bill Clinton.
-5 – Scientists reveal that yawning is contagious in chimpanzee's causing millions of people to fear a yawning pandemic that could spread to humans through the sheer boredom of watching the Republican National Convention.
-8 – During the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games as the torch is ceremoniously being carried into the stadium the 100 year old flame goes out because someone forgot to charge the batteries in the environmentally friendly torch. The event is sponsored by Energizer.
-10- Martha Stewart shows up on The View wearing a Louis Vuitton turban claiming it's the newest homemaker fashion accessory. It keeps the dust out of your hair, the hair out of your food, all while being conscientious to Muslim sensibilities.
-29 – Micheal Jackson celebrates turning 50 years old by releasing a children's album called "Beat it again." Unfortunately his tour is cancelled after he accidentally rips his own crotch off during rehearsal causing him to fall over and break a hip....ironically the only part of his body not already made of plastic.
SEPTEMBER
-10 - Leaves Begin to fall from the trees causing people to claim it's because of global warming....and they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky kids.
-11 - The US commemorates the seventh anniversary of 9-11 by selling sterling silver coins on television....again.
-19- National talk like a Pirate Day causes millions of obnoxious people to walk around saying "arrr" until they're sued by Disney for copyright infringement on the phrase "arrrr."
-26- In the first televised Presidential debate millions of Americans sit glued to their television sets....until the debate comes on. The event ranks as the lowest ranked television broadcast of the night coming in underneath the only other program airing on any channel in America....a repeat of "Tila Tiquila's shot at love" on MTV.
-30- Nielson ratings speculates the low ratings for the Presidential debate may be due to a renewed interest in reading, but as it turns out the mortgage crisis has made it difficult for people to get television reception from the tent villages in city alley's.
OCTOBER
-4 – President Bush announces the last list of objectives he will accomplish while still in office. Item 1: Go on vacation at Camp David. Item 2: Beat wife at Foosball. Item 3: Leave "to do list" for next sucker.
-9- Millions of teenage males suddenly report symptoms of blindness causing a national health crisis. In unrelated news Paris Hilton drops to the second most popular internet search.
-10 - Hillary Clinton announces she will enter her name as an independent on the Presidential ballot. Amidst laughter her announcement is overshadowed by Bill Clinton's nomination for President of Oktoberfest.
-21 – Starbucks opens it's one millionth store while simultaneously selling it's one billionth cup of coffee. However the public ceremony is cut short due to 500 angry people shouting "shut up you're holding up the line!"
-30- John Stewart and Stephen Colbert publicly cry on their shows as they realize the greatest joke of their careers is just about finished. "Heh heh heh"
-31- President Bush accomplishes Item 1 on his list of objectives, but reports the rest of the list a failure and continues working hard on item 1.
NOVEMBER
-3- Political analysts are excited when lines begin forming around the block the day before election day....before they realize the lines are for Hannah Montana tickets.
-4- Voter turn out at the polls is weak due to confusion over which lines are for the election, Hannah Montana, pre-sale for the new iPhone, and in one city a short line of geeks camping out for tickets to the new Star Trek movie.
-4- Several old ladies in Nevada become irate at the polls insisting that they had won the jackpot on "that American keno machine in the closet."
-4- Before announcing a winner CBS news checks with a Magic 8 ball to make sure their projections are correct. Response "Ask again later" prompts a dilemma because that's what happened in 2000.
-4- Barrack Obama is elected President of the United States. He is assassinated during his acceptance speech and because I just wrote that I become the first suspect. Ha! Just kidding, he doesn't even get elected. Some boring white guy does.
-4- blah, blah, blah....election.
-23- Kids of the world make construction paper pilgrim hats at school in celebration of Thanksgiving
-26- Amazon.com and Wonder bread merge companies to create the worlds first ever environmentally healthy way to shop. Amazon abandons styrofome packaging and packages their products with fresh bags of bread instead giving customers the added bonus of having a sandwich as they enjoy their new purchase.
DECEMBER
-1- President Bush attends the second annual Kyoto conference: Kyoto 2- The Hybrid Bash. In an attempt to appease the international environmental community Bush proposes that every American be given a Chia pet to place in their window to help "grow cleaner air."
-7- In his first official television interview since the election our new boring old white President declares "I'm pretty sure I'll do better than Bush."
-11 - The dow hits a 40% high with a 20% un-employment rate, and an all-time low 1% interest rate. Even really really smart people are confused. Dumb people just change the channel.
-20- Apple releases the new Telekinetic iPhone that can clone small animals and cook a pop tart without pushing a button. It costs $800, but it comes with a rebate for a free Chiwawa (everyone gets the same one). The phone has a few glitches, but as long as you don't think about birds and pop tarts at the same time you won't end up with a parakeet flavored pop tart.
-30 – News channels dedicate entire sections of newscasts to year in reviews....that are completely different than this one.
-31- As the new year approaches the ball in New York gets stuck with 3 seconds to go. When last checked people were still drinking and chanting 3...3....3...3...3!
Happy New Year!